I felt really blue today. For the past few weeks, I have put my hopes very highly on a project. Two weeks ago, it seemed like I was going to be awarded the contract. I made big plans. Especially about what I was going to do with the money I was getting. But today, I received a message that told me they have chosen another person for the project. I had nothing else to say to her but “thank you for considering me.” It wasn’t meant to be, I guess.
I had big plans for what we were going to do with that project fee. To take you guys on away on a summer break was one. To gain financial freedom was another. Your Papa and I could use that break. Not that we’re not grateful, but entrepreneurship is testing our patience, day in and day out. This tunnel is so long, and the light at the end of it is dim. Sometimes we can’t even see it at all. Our minds are consumed with thoughts of how to save or how to change our lifestyles because to make more money didn’t feel like an option that we had, although, of course, it was what we wanted.
As I was cleaning our house this morning, a few hours before I received that message, I was filled with a weird sense of calm. I relished in the feeling for a moment. It was gratitude. And it felt good. I had a home that I love and it was filled with the most awesome people. Your nanny has been sick for a week and our day-maid had to deal with some issues back home so she wasn’t able to come in, but it didn’t affect me at all. I didn’t have to deal with the drama of getting the house in order. I had the whole day to spend just taking care of you three, tending to your every need without any obligation of being anywhere else but here. I could still go on dates with your father any time I wanted to. Or to date my girlfriends. Our family have been on a four-day getaway twice this year. And our family still could give.
Maybe I had the concept of luxury all wrong. I’ve always tied luxury to the balance in our bank account, to the absence of anxiety every time your school fees were due, to the lightness of financial planning and spontaneity in vacations, to spend simply “because we can”.
But maybe luxury is what I’m living in now. Could it be? Not knowing when our next paycheck is going to come, but believing that God will cater to my every need? Because He does. He always provides. He always delivers. He is always faithful.
God’s grace is luxury. His love for me is luxury.
Max was hugging me when I read that message. I’m sure it’s what calmed me, because I actually felt like I was free falling from the 44th floor. Maybe God was teaching me a thing or two about having enough, or having it all. Maybe he’s shaping my thinking. Here’s what I know: when God closes one door, He will open another. And to have enough is to be grateful for what He has given us. Because we don’t deserve it, but He gave it freely to us anyway. His Grace really is more than enough. It’s luxury.
I love you,