Dear daughter,
During a premarital counseling session, on the topic of sex, one girl openly asked your father and I if she would be “missing out” if her future husband would be the only sexual partner she will have. Both she and her future husband have been saving themselves for marriage and she expressed her fear of “regret” if she’s never had sexual experiences with anyone else but him, or that he will be unfaithful somewhere down the road because he’s bored.
Phew! Well, that question turned what would have been a pretty closed session into something interesting. Or something nerve-wracking, depending on whose side you’re looking from.
I remember that at that moment, your father and I looked at each other. There wasn’t an answer to that in our counselor textbook. We didn’t cover the subject of “fear of missing out on sexual experience”. However, we know that it’s these kinds of questions that make us feel alive in the Marriage Ministry that we serve in.
I imagine you’ll be asking me this same question some time – hopefully, later than sooner. (Oh God, I just swallowed a little bit of vomit in my mouth.) And I just want to tell you what your father and I told that couple we counseled:
There is a sense of pride to be found in monogamy.
The prize lies not in having multiple sexual partners, but in having one – and only one – for the rest of your life. That’s the winning goal.
The world may tell you a lot of things about sex. That it’s good. That it’s addictive. That an orgasm can feel better than a giant scoop of all your favorite ice cream flavors all rolled into one (okay, maybe that’s just my personal take on it) And there might be a whole lot of truth in all of that talk. But I want you to take it from me: sex is special only when it’s shared in the covenant of marriage because other than that, it will only bring you confusion.
Before we get to that, you first need to understand what sex is worth. And to do that, you need to understand what sex is created for. You need to go back to who created it in the first place. As Christians, we believe that just as we were created by God, sex is also created by Him, for us. God created marriage and He created natural sexual desires as a bonding and connecting experience for husbands and wives. It is a gift that He gave married couples to enjoy and to be intimate with each other. And it’s how He gives us beautiful children like you (No, I didn’t get you by trading coupons at Time Zone.)
If you’re rolling your eyes at me right now and thinking, “Geez Mom, don’t guilt-trip me with Jesus talk”, let me tell you that regardless of religiosity, taking sex out of your premarital relationship will help you to form better communication with your boyfriend and that, my dear, will help you to improve long-term stability, allowing you to achieve relationship satisfaction. That’s not Jesus-talk. That’s research-based facts. Look it up, if you must.
So, let’s go back to that nerve-wracking question: is it worth it to enjoy just one penis for the rest of your life?
I say, “HELLS YEAH!” and here’s why:
1. Sex gets better with time.
Despite what many people may think, sex does get better over time. Even when it sucks balls the first time (and no, I don’t mean it that way), don’t be discouraged. The first experience is always the hardest, but it will also be the most special and memorable. Be willing and ready to learn about your own body as well as your husband’s. Before long, you and your husband can reach your happy places with your eyes closed. He will know how to navigate around your body and you would know how to navigate around his – blindfolded. And by then, sex would be something you both enjoy. Imagine having to go through all that learning with a different partner. Why would you want to start from scratch all over again?
2. Sex supplements a relationship.
It supplements a relationship. It doesn’t sustain it. It cannot sustain it. It cannot build a relationship past the physical gratification. It is a physical expression of deep love and appreciation a couple has for one another. When you and your husband have spent enough time getting to know each other’s characters, personalities, and basically everything that makes you who you are, you will find that deep love and appreciation. When you’re committed to build and strengthen your relationship, your sexual intimacy will support and enhance it.
3. Monogamy is meaningful.
Loyalty. Trust. Integrity. Faithfulness. Respect. These are all meaningless words until your actions make them mean something; until you and your husband put importance on them. Being faithful to one person and staying true to your marriage isn’t important because the Bible says that it’s a sin to commit adultery. Monogamy isn’t important because you’re afraid to be judged by society’s standards. Instead, it’s important because every time you and your partner commit to it, you are giving loyalty, trust, integrity, faithfulness and respect a whole lot of power. That makes monogamy meaningful.
And that, my darling girl, is why one sexual partner is enough for the rest of your life. One penis forever – it’s worth it.
With all my love,
Mama
Mama Maya 